Two-faced

You've been told

 All my life the world has spoken lies,
my heart was deceived, captured by all their tries.
Voices of thunder,
words that crashed down like lightening.
Starting a fire within,
a burning rage with all their judgments.

A storm I wasn't willing to face,
I shamed myself, gave no grace.

For many years I believed what filled my ears;
"You're getting fat!"
'Your nose is so red, like Rudolf !'
"Your opinion doesn't matter."

'You're to young to lead.'

The list goes on,

                  My self worth?

                                  Identity?
GONE.

Until you came along,
O' Lord my God.
Your promises rang true,
Put my heart at ease.
Ecclesiastes 3:11
1 Peter 3:3-4

Proverbs 3:15-18
Philippians 4:8

You've found me wooed.  

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For almost a month I've had this topic on my mind. I've pushed aside writing about it because how can you capture this to the fullest? There is no way to truly explain to you where your identity is found because almost everyone finds their identity in the world. I could tell you where your identity SHOULD be, however, that doesn't mean it is. 

For years I've hidden behind a mask. A smile I wear to fool those around me into thinking I don't hear their comments. That I 'like' being called Rudolf because of my nose. That I 'like' being so young, yet being put into a leadership position. That I 'like' being a little fluffy around the edges. 

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This the raw me. Frizzy hair, red nose, round in the face, no make-up, fresh acne, dark circles, bags under my eyes...etc... This is the raw me. I don't fit in a size 6.  I'm loud, I talk over people at times, I'm flawed. This is what the world told me I was. 

At thirteen I was told that in order to be strong you had to hold back your tears. Stand tall for those who needed you. I was told to put a smile on my face and laugh through my pain.  Don't let it get to you.  

At fourteen I was told I needed to loose weight. "You don't want to be obese when you're 30". I was called 'fat' and 'ugly'. I thought baggy clothes were my only option, they helped me hide away from those who bullied me into believing my skin looked like 'dirty rags'.

At fifteen I was told I didn't sound like a girl. My shoulders were to large, my muscles were not dainty enough. I wasn't graceful. 'You sound more like a boy.' 

At sixteen I was told I was different. I needed to learn how to be like other girls around me. I obeyed the rules, stopped gossip, didn't party, didn't curse, I still gave myself a bedtime. Apparently I 'Always play the safe card' .

So at Seventeen I stopped playing SAFE. At seventeen I was fed up with the worlds standards of what I should/shouldn't be. I wanted to become a woman that girls could look up to and admire (little did I know many girls already did.), and I became anorexic. Not to the extreme you could see my skin and bones. I wanted to loose the weight without people asking how I did it. I wanted to feel pretty in my own body, and because I hadn't ever felt that,I thought this was the way to do it. One meal became two, three became four. I skipped enough meals in one week to feel the emptiness. I wanted the pain to remind me of what I was becoming. Its as if I was saying to the world 'Just look what I can do'.   

So this is the raw me.
  Imperfect. 

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With the help of a few friends, a counselor, and most of all, the Lord. I overcame anorexia by the time I was nineteen. So why am I telling you all of this you ask? Because I'm telling you that no matter how imperfect you are in the worlds eyes, the Lord, out of the grace of His love, can make you a new person. Perfect in His eyes (2 Corinthians 12:9). 

I'm telling you this because I had a case of misplaced identity. I knew who Jesus was, I even followed Him and pursued Him as my own King of kings, and yet I still misplaced my identity. I let the world fill my ears with its desires first, and out Jesus second. When in fact Jesus said that 'HE is the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end' (Revelations 1:8). 

I'm telling you this because since then I have pursued Jesus more than ever before in my life. I have listened to His promises and written them in my heart (Proverbs 3:3).

I'm telling you this because it's not easy. That every time I go on a diet I have to question my motives. Yet I know I can diet because my body is a temple for the Holy Spirit, therefore my body should remain healthy (1 Corinthians 6:19)

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Each day it is a choice to live as Christ would live. Each day it is a choice for me to honor the Lord with my body and mind. Each I choose to believe the truth the Lord says about me in His love letter (The Holy Bible). Each day I remind myself, no matter how many flaws I have, no matter what I think I am,

  I am a child of the one true king.

I am made complete in Him, Colossians 2:10.
I am alive in Christ Jesus, Ephesians 2:5.
I am holy and blameless, 1 Peter 1:16.
I have been gifted, Romans 5:17.
I am made new. Colossians 3:9-10.
I can do all things, Philippians 4:13.
I am a joint-heir in His Holy kingdom, Romans 8:17.
I am chosen, 1 Peter 2:9.
I am more than a conqueror, Romans 8:37.
I am called, Psalms 66:8, 2 Timothy 1:9. 

I am strengthened, Colossians 1:11. 

"For it is not I who lives, but Christ who lives in me."

Galatians 2:20

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This the raw me. Frizzy hair, red nose, round in the face, no make-up, fresh acne, dark circles, bags under my eyes...etc... This is the raw me. I don't fit in a size 6.  I'm loud, I talk over people at times, I'm flawed.

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Abba my Abba. Thank you for creating anew my spirit. For changing my perspectives for Your glory. I pray You would use part of my story, or all of it, to bring someone to You. That they see with YOUR strength, they might overcome their weakness and change their ways. I pray That I might always remember who You say I am. And that through all things Your name is lifted high. I ask You empty me of me, so that I may be filled with more of You. -Your daughter

Danielle.