Angers worst enemy

  

 Angers worst enemy

It is the blackness that can’t be scratched away.

It is the tension built up over time not knowing what to say.

It is the thing that holds me back from giving Gods grace today. 

Bitterness. A word I overlook, lurking behind my every thought.

Bitterness. opposite of how I was raised, the feeling not taught.

Bitterness. The painful thing to bear, a memory that leaves me distraught.

Forgiveness. An action I received long ago, from The Man who loves the unlovable.

Forgiveness. An action He asked me to give, the words needed for that are unthinkable. 

Forgiveness. An action with no end, for me to fully give that is undoable.

*

"To be a christian means to forgive the inexcusable 
in others, because Christ has forgiven the
inexcusable in us. "
-C.S. Lewis 

It is of my opinion you can forgive someone for a wronged action(s) against you more than once. You forgive first and foremost because the Lord has told you to. But I believe we constantly deal with the thoughts and leftovers of something that someone has wronged against us and we have to find the the Lord each day in that and ask Him to give us that forgiveness, and a humble heart. And so we are reminded that forgiveness has been given once and for all by the Lord, and to all. We are reminded that although we struggle with this, we can seek Him each day and He will find us.

It is this time every year I struggle with these exact thoughts. Its not that I don't forgive him, its that I can't act like it didn't happen. I can't say the words so easily and pretend it didn't change my life forever. In fact, it changed his

*

Have you ever just felt the tugging of your heart? The tugging telling you to do something, yet all of your mind wants to make an excuse as to why you SHOULDN'T be doing it. The tugging telling you it is right, yet all of you is saying "What is the point?". I've had those thoughts about this exact thing. I wrote this letter and threw it away, wrote it again, threw it away. The point is this, my flesh can tell me all it wants that this was a bad idea, but my spirit knows something will come of it. As the song says, maybe i'll be the one set free of this bondage. Maybe he will be blessed. Maybe he needs to know the words and write them on his heart. The words that go far beyond my words, my own heart and mind. The words that my Lord also wants to tell him so desperately. You are forgiven. 

For years I have ignored this pressing matter, avoided it, ran. It's not that I try to forget, in fact I am reminded any time someone asks me how I got saved. I am reminded every time I see her flower. I am reminded by a number, a smell, a laugh. There is no one thing that triggers her memory. 

I try not to get caught up in 'what ifs', its just not healthy. But I have caught myself saying that occasionally. What if she sat beside me one more time? What if she had a career, what would it be? What if.. what if.. You can see how a mind can wonder in that, and it can actually be a dangerous place.

The fact of the matter is, I know she is not here. Nothing will change that. 

*

I try to avoid using names on this blog, it helps both the reader and the writer. The writer because it helps me focus in on the subject at hand, not any one person. It helps me remember why I am writing what I am writing and drives it deeper into my heart. My goal for the reader s this, when you read my blog I am not wanting you to know who or what exactly I am talking about. If you do know, that is great! You must know me well. But I want you, as the reader, to take in the point of the post (in this case, forgiveness) and apply it how you need it in your life. 

With that being said, I wrote an open letter to an individual I have been wanting to speak to for years. Someone who I have tried saying the words "I forgive you" to, and the words just wont come out. As I wrote this letter, I spoke them aloud to drive the meaning deeper in my heart and know I was truthful in what I was saying.  Again, it is written with no name, generalized so as while you read it (if you choose to) you may do the same. Is there someone in your life you have yet to forgive? I encourage you to take some time and write a letter to them.

                                                                          *

(The following is an edited version, a personalized letter was sent to the individual I am addressing.)


Dear _______

I don't blame, I know she made a choice that night. Ad she ultimately suffered the consequence . What I can't understand is why? What went through your mind? What made you say yes and let her continue down a path she couldn't recover from? I have never really shared my thoughts on this subject with you, in fact we avoid it in an awkward way any time we see each other. So here are my thoughts and feelings on the matter.  I am baffled  at the thought of all of this, and I don't know how ( if I were in your shoes) I would be able to live with the burden every day. So that is why I don't look at you, I don't talk to you, I don't mention you. I am hurt just as much as you in the matter, and so the comfort of reaching out goes both ways, so why have you not reached out either? But my feelings aside, I also wonder if you have forgiven yourself? Have you acknowledged to yourself your own hurt? For years I have had questions. I have tried to face up to my unsteady and cowardice mind.I have written to you, called you, then you turn around and take your hurt and emotion out on those I most care for here on earth. Through all of these happenings, I want to forget  it all, but I can't. You know just as well as I do the hurt that has happened through the years, and the space it has caused between all effected in this. But that aside now. I want to say these words that I have avoided for so long. I want to say them and mean them. For me to say these words, mean them, and act on them is one thing. Now it is up to you to choose to accept them or not. I forgive you. I forgive you for the words and actions done. I forgive you for not being there, even when you were. I forgive you _____. I mean those words. It is my only hope and prayer that upon reading this, you too would forgive me. In my own years of hurt and avoiding you, I have forgotten your heart n the matter. I have forgotten what this has done for you in your life. So please, forgive me for my bitterness. My immature way of handing my emotion, and playing with yours. Forgive me for not letting you in when you asked to be let in. I do love you so, and hope and pray you find it within your heart to forgive and love me the same.

-Yours truly, Danielle Wylie.

* 

Living out these three words will be a challenge. It means I need to change my interactions and words with him. It means now more than ever I need to lay the situation down at my Fathers feet and ask Him to take lead in the midst of this.

Abba Father I come before you in prayer. I lift this man up to you in the most sincere way. I do not know his heart toward you, whether he believes in You or not. So I ask this, that You would soften his heart toward you and be willing to listen to the words you so long to tell him too. Lord I pray you would make my heart tender in this situation too, that you would go before my every action and word when interacting with this man. That you would help me be slow to anger, and swift to speak softly. In order to fully change my heart Lord, You need to reign in my heart at every moment and be on my every thought. So I ask You empty my mind of all of my bitterness, my worldly thoughts and fleshly actions. Empty me of me so that I may be filled with more of you.

Your daughter, Danielle.