You, Me, Us

"I will walk by faith even when I cannot see."
2 Corinthians 5:7

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'There is a wrestling in my heart and my mind...' (song quote) For those of you who have stepped out in faith by any measure on a scale, I'm talking to you. I am talking to you because I finally understand you. There have been plenty of times in my life when I have stepped out in faith through my job opportunities, ministry, even relationships, but nothing quite like how I feel these days. 

'A disturbance and attention I cannot seem to drive...'  (song quote) I step out and do the unknown all the time, in my opinion. I take risks; it gives me a little bit of satisfaction that maybe I am fulfilling the seed of adventure that was planted in me so many years ago. However, these days I have no drive, no passion, no real inspiration. In some moments, it feels like I've lost a little bit of who I am. 

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It has been two weeks of marriage and I've learned so much already. I have learned of the importance of taking care of your husband. The sacrifices and hard work he puts in his everyday for me is worth pushing through my tiredness to uplift him and honor him by being the best I can be. 

"Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other"

Romans 12:10 

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"What will You ask of me?"..(song quote) I have found myself in a rut. All of my passion in life has been drained. What I used to find relaxing and so easy to find inspiration for has been taken away from me. Every day I am drained emotionally. All my life I have become adapt to community, church, family, friends, work, a community of believers set out to encourage and challenge one another (I say this because I am now out of my element.). 

For months I have felt a certain way. I have felt alone, drained of all joy in life. I have felt depressed in all honesty. There, I said it. The words I have been dreading to say. The words, that for most people, are the words that drive friendships away. People view the word 'depression' as a forbidden word, only the hopeless are depressed, the unreachable, the worldly. I am here to say, that is a lie. Depression comes in all forms, and it can come to all people. The rich, the doctor, the pastor, the mother, the children... etc.

For me, I didn't know what I was feeling could be summarized as depression until my husband (Fiance at the time) helped me understand. My routine has become so disrupted that I have let my emotions get the better of me for weeks/months now. My home has changed, my family in another state, my friendship circles gone, my church, my job title has changed twice in one month. All of this to say, if you've had even one of those areas change abruptly you might feel a little of what I am feeling. I have had all of those changes thrown at me all at once. 

'Well, is it worth it?' , you might ask.

 And my answer would be,

'Absolutely'

Its worth it to me because although that is what I may feel, I am not alone. Sure, the truth is still clear that I don;t currently have a church to call home yet, I don't have a friend circle. But, I still have encouragement from the ones I love. I have the Holy Spirit  nudging me, my in-laws giving me a boost, and the one beside me every day, my husband, loving me and helping me see the joy all around me. 

To be honest, even this blog post wasn't my idea. I was feeling the worst just a few nights ago when I received a pep talk from my husband. 

"If you were overweight and knew you needed to lose the pounds, you wouldn't just keep eating the cookies. You would know they can't just jump off of you, that even without the inspiration to workout at some point  you need to just start." , or something along those lines....

"Will I listen to Your voice when You speak?"..(song quote) Look, my point is this. Even as I write to you I still don't  feel inspired. But today I got up off the couch and took a walk around the block. Soon enough if I keep walking I might just want to run a marathon. Even this morning before sitting down to write, one of my sisters also had something to say, she said,

'It's like taking a shower. You don't want to until you're in, then you don't want to get out!'.

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What helps me everyday is being a wife to an amazing man. He blesses me beyond belief everyday. He works so hard to provide for us. He is my inspiration. I do my best to provide a home for him as well, taking care of him and honoring him is what brings me my joy. Do I succeed at being the best homemaker? I guarantee you I don't, but everyday I get up off the couch and take a walk around the block. I have to start somewhere, and eventually, I'll be running.   

Being a wife (and only for a few weeks!) has opened my eyes to a whole new world (hey, isn't that a song? ). By my husband's help (And the Lord's) he has taken me by the hand and is helping me see that I am not alone, I never was alone, nor will I ever be alone. 

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Lord guide me to be the best wife I could be for Jarid. Help me see You in every day and learn from
the people around me. I ask humbly if you would give me the spark of inspiration. To use the talent
You have given me to bring others close to You again. Help me continue to Put You First in my daily activates. Thank You Lord for all You have done and continue to do in my life. I ask You would empty me of me so that I might be filled with more of You. 

Your daughter

- Danielle