You are missed

"I'll see you again soon"

My parting words your last night,
when all you had was your sight.
Nothing much was left of you,
I stood there like a statue.
Your life was ending before my very eyes,
I couldn't think
Couldn't breath
You were nearly paralyzed.

I remember you asked me to sing to you,
How could I say no?
It was your last night in this world.
Then off to heaven where you'd be made new.

I remember every detail in that room,
Every person standing in fear.
We all knew you would soon be in a tomb,
No time to shed even one tear. 

After hours by your bedside,
one by one we left.
Everyone said their goodbyes
while mine was merely implied.

Three years ago December 9th,
I gave you a hug,
and sang to you one last time.

Two words sketched  in my heart,
never to forget.
I remember the joy on your face,
you heard your favorite song, that is,
Amazing Grace.

Dedicated to Angela Johnson.
June 12th, 1952-December 9th, 2013..

*

I knew I would miss her. The snuggles late at night while watching the Olympics. Being taught how to make something in the kitchen. Even though I already knew how,( you don't say "no" to grandma). I knew I would miss all of it. But what I didn't think about was all of my goals. My achievements. The "I know she would be proud" moments. Those are the moments that I ache for her smile. 

*

*

You know, I am very thankful for such a precious moment spent with her on her last night. I loved spending time with her and the family all in one room. But I also remember the fear. I remember the smell. The tension we all had, no one could hold still. And as great as it was to say a "See you again soon", I almost wish I hadn't. She looked so different, she could't talk. She was on so much medication that her hands swelled so she couldn't even write. We got to the point of "Blink once for yes, twice for no."

Now, what would you do if you were told someone you loved might not make it another night? I'm pretty sure you would jump on the opportunity to see him/her one more time, no matter the circumstances. I was "prepped" as much as one could be before entering her room. But no amount of prep talk could have warned me about what I saw in that room. The woman I knew as my granny was gone.

The tension so think in the room, barely anyone spoke. Everyone standing around her bedside as if we expected her to jump up with enthusiasm and say "I'm alright everyone, time to go home now.".
She was so pale and cold. Her body swollen two times what it should have been. Her lips so dry you could see they were cracked a mile away. laying on her back, not able to move. Her lungs not able to function, a tube down her throat was the only way to sustain life.

Well if you know me at all you know that I deal with almost anything with my sarcasm. a few jokes and laughs were thrown around, and smiles were only a quick glimpse. The tension only gone for a short while before the reality set in. This was her last night. We tried our hardest not to talk about it in the room. we all knew it, she knew it. No need to talk about it. 

And although all of this was hard. seeing her that way, hearing the choking on words by her loved ones holding back the tears in front of her. It was hard getting her favorite song to roll off my tongue.
It was hard calling home and telling my father what was happening, and what she was going through.
But the hardest part? Saying goodbye. It was shutting that hospital door behind me and knowing that however warped and changed she may have been, that was the last time I was going to see her for a long time. That was my goodbye.

The hard part was sleeping in her house that night when she wasn't. The hard part was waking up at two am to my gramps coming into the house. My heart jumped at hearing him, I knew what his answer would be. All of me hoped that it wasn't true. But I knew I had to ask the question no one else wanted to ask.

 "Is she gone?"

*

Her new home is in heaven. She is healthy and happy. She dances on the streets of heaven. She sings with the angels giving praise and glory to the one who created her. She is made new. She is in the arms of Jesus. But this doesn't mean I don't miss her dearly. I miss her when I achieve something she and I both thought would never happen. I miss her when I watch her favorite TV show, because it happens to be mine. I miss her everyday.

*

Angela Johnson.
A beautiful woman.
She will always be remembered as the woman with a big heart.

*

Lord I am forever grateful for the woman you placed as my grandma. I will always remember the memories with her, and cherish them forever as blessing. Thank you for giving her such a huge heart toward your people. Lord thank you for the words of wisdom spoken into my life through her. Help me never to forget just how beautiful she was, and just how gentle her kind touch. Thank you Lord. In Jesus name I pray, Amen 

-Danielle