Its in Your hands

Here it is, just days away.

An adventure You plainly gave.

Then why do I doubt? 

Why do I question my existence in this place?

It shadows my every move,

consumes my every thought.

I forget sometimes what you have done;

That You suffered for me,

all my worries You have bought.

You have brought me this far,

Why would I question now?

I know this is for your glory,

its all laid out in Your story.

You never promised me perfection,

or the road ahead be easy.

But you promised me protection,

and a life led by your direction.

So if this is your plan,

to lead me by the still waters;

calm my heart Lord, 

Remind me that I am your daughter. 

So here I am, days away from being in California. I know it is the Lords plan for me, He so obviously (in my opinion) laid this path down in front of my face. But now is when the fear comes in. I don't have fear of going. I love the idea of going, and I know its His plan. I have fear in the journey there.
I guess fear isn't the right word, but I am defiantly nervous. I have been at camp before. Iv'e been in the situation where I know no one around. But even though I have done this before, I am still nervous.

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I have always been terrible at sharing, talking about my feelings, and just opening up. During my internship I took a few tests, and evaluations, and was told I am emotionally distant.Iv'e known this for awhile, but putting a label on it really makes a person aware, and makes you want to change. I have tried over and over again to be open with people. It takes time. I tell you this because I view this blog as part of that, opening up. I view this as a way of thoroughly telling stories of what I have gone through, and what I am currently going through.
 

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I haven't really thought about this journey really, not until a few days ago. I sat down with a brother in the Lord and had a great conversation. Its always been hard for me to open up with people, and if I do,it takes awhile. But you see, every time I sit down with this brother, he knows just what to ask. He has known me for about 10 years, and has been in my life to see my growth in the Lord, and my journey through camps. So knowing me that long, I guess he just knows how to get information out of me, and get me talking about my feelings. And on top of that, he gets my brain thinking about things I haven't thought about before. 

I realized a few things while talking with him;
1. My problem is not overthinking something. But actually NOT thinking about it.

Being emotionally distant means I just don't deal with emotion well. I push aside most emotions because I get uncomfortable. 

2. I realized how comfortable I have gotten with speaking with people about what I am going through! I mean, like I said before, it takes awhile and is hard. But I have realized that the people that are in my life care about me, and actually want to know how I am. Not that I thought they don't/didn't, but I just never thought about it.