His strength

Lean on

Child of love, lean hard.
Let me feel the pressure of thee;
I know thy burden child, I shaped it,
poised it with mine own hand.
No proportion in its weight
to thine unaided strength.
For even as I laid it on, I said;
"I shall be near while she leans on me,
This burden shall be mine, not hers.
 I shall keep my child close while she leans on me."
Here, lay it down. No fear.
Impose it on my shoulder.
Yet closer come; thou art not near enough.
Come close enough that thou might feel me here.

*

It is shortness of breath when standing still. It's the heartbeat in your throat. It's the tightness in your chest . It's the overwhelming thoughts of 'what if's. It's the emotion that begs to leak through your eyes. It's the fear of the unknown. It is, anxiety. And I declare it today, you have no victory over me!

*

It's how iv'e dealt with my emotions all my life really. I'm not saying its healthy, but its true. I bottle it all up until its so overwhelming it all comes out at once. This week has been one of those times. Night after night with no sleep. Day after day long work hours. The feeling so overwhelming I figured no one cared, or understood my anxiety. I was wrong, people care. Even if they don't understand.

I had three triggers this week;

#1: My aunt.

I finally came to the realization that she passed. I mean, yes I have acknowledged it in a way. I attended her memorial, I cried a long while. But I don't think I realized before how much of an impact she had in my life. From a very young age she was there for me. It went beyond just blood. She became my sister in Christ, my encourager, my friend, my mentor. She helped me through many hardships, and asked for prayer in hers. She has, and always will inspire me. Iv'e always looked up to her in all of her accomplishments and her humble attitude. She was everything I've always wanted to become.

When I came back from Washington and unpacked, I finally felt at home here. This being the first big thing that has happened since her passing, I actually forgot about it. I had a dream she was near me, and when I awoke I wanted to share everything with her, then quickly realized I couldn't. That's when it hit me. I remembered she was gone.

This brings me to......

#2: Life at Palomar.

Living in community is something I'm used to. Been doing it for 5-6 years now. But mountain life is different, and just when I thought I was going to leave I decided to say "Yes" to staying here for an unknown amount of time. Hopefully, at least a few years. But that fact didn't hit me until I went up to Washington. While I was 'home' I packed my belongings. I moved out. Said good-bye to Washington, hello California.

Moved out....wow. It was a little overwhelming to think about, that and....

#3: Health

Drink more water, exercise, eat right, go to the doctor. Its a never ending cycle. Cold season, flue season. Virus after virus taking us down. On the outside we see health in our skin and judge by that how healthy we truly are. While underneath a few layers we have no idea just how much is going on.
Health is fragile, take care of your body now while you can.

Half way through my summer here at Palomar my dad gave me a call and gave me his health update. He was diagnosed with  lymphoid cancer. Now, when I first heard cancer I did what many people do. I was freaking out a bit in my heart. But I was assured  by the knowledge the doctors gave my father, it is a VERY treatable type of cancer. Fast forward a few months, my dad is doing okay in his treatments, and all is moving forward. 

Even though his treatments are moving forward, his overall health continues to weaken. He continues to have pain, and still has tests run to see why.  I'll save you my complaints except to say this. I love my dad, and knowing he is in pain everyday hurts me too. I really thought this through the other day and realized, I really haven't been there for him. It saddens me that I can't be there in person to encourage and give him a hug every now and again. But with this realization also came the thoughts of, 'This is life'. 

*

My eyes red from lack of sleep. My body ready to collapse from exhaustion. Raw. Fighting against anxiety is a hard battle. But I don't let it swallow me. The only way Iv'e found that helps is getting into the Scriptures, and praying. I'm not talking about a simple read, and a "Thank you for this food" prayer. Because Jesus told us in Matthew 16:24 "If anyone desires to come after me, let him deny himself, pick up his cross daily and follow me". This means I need to be in the word DAILY, and be in prayer DAILY. What better why to receive encouragement then through the Christ? 

So what? I had a few bad days this week. So what, I will continue to have bad days occasionally. What I need to always remind myself is that it is through Christ alone that I receive my strength. 

Philippians 4:13. "I can do all things through Christ which gives me strength."

1 Peter 5:7. "Cast all of your anxieties on Him because He cares for you."

*

Lord thank you for the burdens that have come my way to grow me closer to You still. Just when I think I know You, You amaze me yet again, and show me Your love in new ways and reveal just how marvelous You are. Lord I thank You that You have overcome my fear, and that You continue to pull me up when I feel down. Thank You for placing me in such a place that reminds me daily who You are, and that You love me. Lord my prayer is that you take away this anxiousness from these fragile bones. 

-Danielle